Breaking the Silence

My nephew ended his life on August 6.

He was 25 years old, a victim of depression.  Athletic, full of life, suave. Tall, lanky, generally quiet, his laughter was a pleasure to watch and hear. He was generous and loved animals.

There are any number of queries about such poorly-understood, shocking deaths. We have been plaguing ourselves with the whys and what-ifs and looking around us and at ourselves to make sense of what happened.  We all go through depression to some extent but when it becomes terminal it is difficult to explain, if not in fact quite incomprehensible.

It is totally heartbreaking for the parents and siblings (in this case his twin brother), and even for extended family and friends.  It thoroughly saddened people who are not directly connected or know him. To quote my friend Dipali who wrote this tribute for Humair.

The mental anguish he must have gone through that drove him to such a devastating, decisive final action will always be a mystery.  And a source of everlasting regret and sorrow for all of us.

May his soul rest in peace, and may God give his parents and brother the courage and strength to carry on after this most unkindest cut of all.

Star Crossed....??

This has been a special month, astronomically speaking. First we had the partial lunar eclipse and then the next day the rare alignment of Venus (evening star) transiting across the sun, an occurrence that will not recur in this lifetime (for another 105 years, in 2117). Such celestial excitement happens but here on earth life moves on routinely!

I have just over a year left to complete six decades of my life. Lately I have been going through a lot of unsettling feelings. Need to do some introspection.  I wonder if I am experiencing something akin to a ‘midlife’ crisis … but it’s well beyond my mid-life, so a bit late in the day?!

I gave up my career many years ago and have been a stay-at-home mom.  My marriage has been good, my health has been good (despite my major surgeries, a second life one may say).  My relationships with people is good. Why then this sudden unsettling feeling. It is not a sudden realisation that one is ageing, neither the fear of mortality, though of course one knows that time is slipping away.

There have been times of major financial fluctuations, shift in careers, shift in homes from city to city and even countries, but one always felt that this one may be the last, or just consoled oneself that all that’s happening is for the better or for self-betterment. I never had too many expectations from life and lived each day as it came. Here I must say my husband has been most supportive without whom I would be totally lost.

IS and I have spent 30 good years together and worked together to build a certain foundation on which we stand today ... but why does it suddenly feel shaky. To start doubting decisions one took, feel discontent with the life-style one is leading, uncertain about one’s true worth.

Such "crisis', if it can be likened to the cliched term, is quite unsettling.  Age is advancing.  Well, at least I can say that one has still not lost that mental sanity, and feel that cognitively one is capable of handling this even though energy levels have depleted significantly. “Seen that, done that” should make one more experienced if not wiser, if I may put it that way.

Mostly I try to focus on the good things life has given me, and am deeply grateful to the Almighty.

I have been reflecting deeply, and after some thought, jotted down a few points (not in any particular order), a gist of how one’s attitude to life needs to be, just to console myself or maybe to tide me over through this phase –

- to be patient, not impulsive, avoid rash decisions.

- to accept the truth however difficult or harsh it is.

- to enjoy the gifts of life, bond with nature, watch the birds, hear them sing,
  be amongst greenery.

- to watch and hear children play.

- to spend time with loved ones and enjoy the comfort they provide.

- to get more spiritually inclined.

- to be positive, try and make the right choices.

- to take care of one’s health, and try to keep fit.

Some of these may be easier said than done. Change is inevitable. Different phases of life bring about changes, maybe not universally but at different times in different people's worlds.  For some people an unexpected mid-life crisis, a time to unravel, for others a transition when well-set in their fifties and beyond, a beginning of another set of events.

Do such situations and feelings hit everyone at some stage?  I am not sure but I think I feel a little lighter writing about it, and will definitely keep making an effort towards a calmer future!

' Koffee ' in Kodagu

Our trip to South India did not end in Trivandrum or Kanyakumari but continued further, into the most exotic land of coffee ... yes, Coorg (or Kodagu), in southern Karnataka. This is a part of the country I have always wanted to visit, and I have always been intrigued by how our morning cup of coffee is grown.

We travelled by road from Trivandrum, driving up northwards through the length of Kerala and into Karnataka, and after a twelve-hour journey with two brief stops, reached our destination after sunset. I hate reaching any new place after dark … this keeps me guessing how the place really looks … Our destination? My brother’s newly acquired coffee plantation.

My bearings all came into place the next morning. The Hide and Seek sunrise from behind the forest thickets on the hill behind our little cottage made my day.

After breakfast we took a walk through the plantation.  The first thing that caught my eye was this white blanket (like snow) on these little bushes. This was coffee in bloom.

On closer inspection these flowers looked like little fluffs of cotton wool / powder puffs. These flowers had a strong scent, close to that of jasmine flowers, which filled the air around.

We learnt that these blooms wither away in less than a week’s time, then take about nine months to turn into berries ready to be picked. Unfortunately we could not actually see how coffee was processed from beginning to end.

But here is a shot of some sun-dried beans after ‘pulping’ (removal of the outer raw fruit or cherry).  The roasting and the final coffee blends depend on whether the variety is arabica or robusta, some blends also containing some chicory.

 

The canopy of shade under which the coffee bushes thrive are provided by a variety of tall hardwood and fruit trees. Most of these are embraced by creepers of pepper, another cash crop growing along-side coffee.

On the other side of this plantation were thin slender palms of areca-nut or supari.

The view from the top of the hill (part of the property) was breath-taking.

The drive around the country-side was beautiful.  The paddy fields and of course the many tributaries of the Cauvery river which flow through them added to the beauty.

Though we avoided the ‘touristy’ scenic spots and the temples, we missed the nearby National Park and Tibetan monastery (not enough time).  However we did get to see Raja’s Seat (with a great view of the valley below), fit in a good meal at the Orange County resort, and spent a very relaxing last evening at one of the Golf Clubs, watching the sun go down on the turf and the hills beyond.

A trip to Land's End

Reaching as far south as Trivandrum for my niece’s wedding, it would have been a shame not to go on to Kanyakumari, the southern-most tip of India.

We took a day-trip, starting one morning, stopping on the way at the Padmanabhapuram palace, near Tuckalay (which is in the state of Tamilnadu). Driving out of Thiruvananthapuram, within half-an-hour we were in TN.

Built of wood, the palace is inside an old fortress,

at the foot-hills of Velli Hills, which forms part of

the Western Ghats. This 16th century palace was

built by the rulers of Travancore, and is a beautiful

example of Kerala architecture.

This ornate Chinese chair was the King's seat in the Council chamber

Wood pillar made from a single Jackfruit Tree.

Some more exquisite wooden carving at an entrance door.

Some of the windows were specially designed to keep out the heat and dust.

The king's bed, made up of 64 herbs; don't miss the carved Mahogany ceiling.

The palace happened to be full of visiting school-children.

                                              

'Natakasala' the hall of performance:
Notice the shiny black floor, made from coconut shells, egg white, lime, charcoal and river sand.

This dining hall where ceremonial feast were held
could accommodate some 2,000 guests.

After this stop we proceeded onwards to Kanyakumari.  Much discussion on the way about the meaning of Kanyakumari (also called Cape Comorin).  It takes its name from the Kumari Amman (or Kanyakumari) Temple dedicated to the Virgin Goddess, situated in town near the Land's end, at the confluence of the three seas -- the Bay of Bengal, Arabian Sea and Indian Ocean.

We reached in the middle of the hot afternoon and were quite exhausted after the palace visit. So no chance of seeing any spectacular sunset (let alone sunrise) which we had heard much about. Took some quick snaps and hit the road again.

Posing in front of the most famous landmarks here, the two rocky islets just offshore called
the Vivekananda Rock Memorial and the gigantic tall statue of Tamil saint-poet Thiruvalluvar.

We reached the hotel well past 4pm, and not having had lunch, ordered some fish curry and rice, and then in the evening, cooled ourselves with a swim in this infinity pool, watching the sun go down on the shore of the Arabian sea.

Glimpses of Nature

Kerala is one of my favourite places in India.  Given any chance I would always go back there.

Last month we visited Kerala to attend a niece's wedding, in Trivandrum.  From the time we landed right till we left, while enjoying the wedding and the time catching up with extended family and friends, we savoured the beauty of nature.

The greenery, the swaying coconut palms, the pristine waters of the Arabian Sea, the breath-taking sunsets, is all very healing and almost makes you forget everything else.

I feel a quote from Anne Frank's The Diary of a Young Girl captures this well:-

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”

― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Epitaph

Epitaphs are inscriptions on a gravestone marker in memory of a deceased person, sometimes including a phrase, short poem or holy text. Though generally inspired by the dead person's life or accomplishments, most epitaphs are simply brief records of the family, with "Rest in Peace", or RIP.

April is a special month for us, IS's parents birthdays both being this month. Usually one does not do much on such days but we never fail to mention it, and raise a silent prayer to them.

Whenever IS is in Bangalore he makes it a point to visit his father’s grave, usually once every couple of years. Late last month we were driving through Bangalore (took three hours to find our way through the city, thanks to the metro work, one-way detours and traffic), just a couple of days before his father’s birthday.  The grave is in a small family graveyard (part of a larger cemetery), and for the first time we got some photos, then the inscription on the gravestone translated ... it reads as follows-

Mohammad Sulaiman Sait

           1910-1968

Allah Allah kya yeh hasti thi                                         (hasti - personality)

Zindagi jiski haq parasthi thi                                         (haq parasthi - implies worship of Allah)

Mauth gham hum ko deney aaee thi

Makhpherath inko lene aaee thi                                    (makhpherath - forgiveness from Allah)

Khuda ke arsh ka saya rahega teri turbath par               (arsh - sky; turbath - grave)

Duaa key phool barsengey hamesha teri turbath par

Having just realized the meaning of the inscription IS is now grateful that his Bangalore uncle (who got on very well with his father) arranged for such a moving message to be there ...

Old is Gold

I realised recently that many of the things in my home are well over forty or even fifty years old. I love old things. I value more than anything that most of these items have been passed on to me or rather inherited. I have not parted with them because of their old world charm, and the fact that they have become a part of us.

I am not a materialistic person, nor a sentimental one, and have always managed to get rid of old stuff time and again after using it to the maximum.

Somehow I have held on to some objects I now own for years, in fact decades, despite there being cracks or pieces re-stuck together. They have travelled a great deal earlier when IS moved house (country to country on his father’s postings) and then later to our various homes post-marriage. And are now with me in Dubai ...... where in fact there is plenty to choose from for home decoration.

We must be a rare family that carried furniture and household belongings from Chennai to Dubai, when most everyone else would be looking to carry them in the opposite direction!

The scheme of things in my home has always been the same. I have never indulged in extravagant interiors, except for getting new curtains / blinds or some new piece of furniture as needed for the places we moved to. But the furniture and the rest of the stuff we had from earlier always found the right slot or niche, regardless of whether the house was big or small.

Things that are old but not necessarily antiques, 50 odd years (like practically my lifetime) are definitely collectible.  Not antiques but I cannot imagine our home without these as they are part of our family story … Here are some photos of my favourite things.

Kashmiri prayer mat on which is a three-piece sofa gifted by my mother was made to order while I was in class eight. The tapestry was changed 10 years back.

Dutch delftware  pottery: an original piece, hand-painted in blue

Gustaberg Argenta swedish pottery, emerald green in colour with motifs of silver overlay

Chinese scroll painting done by IS’s mother. Many of her other paintings have taken turns on my walls but this one is a favourite.

Old ceramic tile side table on which sit light green onyx lamp and candle holders.

Chinese Camphor chest: A set of three in decreasing size, each fitting into the next, like Russian dolls! Ebony with carved teak wood. With brass sliding locks.

Alabaster Buddha sits among my greenery, at the entrance lobby.

The constant presence of these familiar things is just very reassuring and makes me feel at home.