Lessons from Mommyhood

Dipali tagged me to write about ‘what mommyhood has taught me’.

The tag:

It’s been a while since us Mommybloggers came up with something to celebrate, well, mommyhood, so the lovely Monika and I came up with this. A tag that has us list out five lessons of life that Mommyhood has taught us, these could be sweet, bitter, funny, touching, whatever. These could be survival tips or cooking tips, or something as simple as the best thing to get puke smell out of hair.

So, the rules are simple. Put the badge up. Write out five lessons that Mommyhood taught you. And tag five mommybloggers.

There are always lessons to be learnt from children, as Dipali says, right from a young age to when they’re older. I have two daughters a year apart (so after a year or so they became almost like twins but definitely required a lot of individual attention, to grow into their own independent selves quite soon). It was like two of the same some times, two quite different characters at others.

Now both full-time employed young ladies, in the specialist fields of Design Management and Supply Chain Management; this has itself widened my knowledge of these fields … we didn’t even know of these ‘disciplines’ in my time! It feels like a really long time ago that they were babies who needed to be fed, bathed, potty-trained and all that. Ever since then I’ve been learning through them!

I’ll try to put down five points that this experience (motherhood) taught me:-

(1) To be more responsible. I had motherly instincts much before I had kids of my own. I was very fond of children and having children of my own only fostered these instincts. When they were babies all their demands of feeding, nappy-changing, getting their inoculations on time, rushing them to the doctor at the first sign of illness, protecting them, helping to get their homework done, their extra-curricular activities, all were top priority and soon became an integral part of my life. There was no thinking twice. It was like disciplining oneself into a routine. Even now I worry if they have eaten, or are safe when they go out for late night parties. Though my husband says it’s high time I learn to treat them as adults, I would do any of these for them anytime even now.

(2) To be more sensitive not only to the demands of my own kids but to children from under-privileged backgrounds or differently-abled. My heart aches for parents who lose a child or have one suffering from an incurable illness. I feel satisfied when my kids emote the same way in such situations. Their manners and respect for elders in the family, especially the care and affection they show my mother, is true reward for me … a reassurance that at least in this there was no short-fall in their upbringing.

(3 ) I learnt how to swim thanks to the girls. I joined swimming classes with them and picked up some swimming techniques but the girls went far ahead very soon …. became national champions within 2-3 years. Their achievements made me proud and I admit that I basked in their glory and fame for a long time. Watched them and tried to improve my swimming skills. Another advantage of the competitions they participated in was I got to travel quite a lot … a Bharat Darshan, which otherwise would not have happened. Even a trip with the two of them to China!

(4) Learnt to be patient, especially in their tough training schedules. Also to listen to their demands without taking sides. Trying to be as fair as possible. Giving their individual personalities the necessary space.

(5) Never to judge other parents. All parents do their best for their children. Nobody is perfect: we apply different ways to handle different situations, it’s all situational. I have seen mothers do the stupidest things and could only hope that at some point the child’s greater wisdom would prevail! Some are blessed with less motherly attributes than others, but everyone is entitled to do things their own way, unless abusing or hurting the child.

I am generally happy with the outcome in my case and have learned to live life not just for myself. But at times I do have a secret desire to retire from mother-hood and do things just for myself for a change! But I know I can never stop being a mother, and motherhood is part of it.

And now to tag 5 mothers is very difficult, the few I’m in touch with don’t blog and a couple have already been tagged … I can think of only one just now who qualifies and will tag her:-

Tarannum who is a doting mother of two young boys and will surely have lots to share.

Innate Kindness

This incident remained with me for a long time, I’ve not forgotten it till now. I must have been seven or eight then, this happened in Bombay in my Nani’s house, where my 2 brothers and I would go from Delhi to spend our long summer vacations.

My Nani lived in a huge house with a most beautifully-designed garden with lots of coconut and other fruit trees and a huge variety of flowering plants. The house had a wooden main gate, with a smaller gate in-built for people to go in and out. As kids we hung out near the gate as there was a little ‘niche’ next to it, quite shady.

One late morning I was alone near the gate when a woman with a small child came begging. She looked very ragged, dirty and very harassed. The infant in her arms was even more pitiful and malnourished (this sight is still common at traffic signals in big Indian cities). Totally overwhelmed, I stared at her and her kid … then could not wait … had to do something, so I told the gardener who was around to give her some money but he refused saying that begging should not be encouraged. By then the woman was inside the gate, still begging. By now I had made up my mind to help this woman so I ran upstairs to my Nani and explained the woman’s plight. My Nani sensed my anxiety, and said instead of money we could find her some old clothes. I rummaged through her drawers to find some; I wanted the woman to wear these clothes but she was quite filthy and needed a wash. The gardener and I led her to the tap behind the house where she bathed and then bathed her child. The infant was soon crying .. he was hungry. Next was to organise some food .. As soon as the plate of rice and dal was placed in front of her she began eating hurriedly.

I can’t remember if she fed her child the food (or was he too young for anything but breast-feeding), but I do recall that after the kid was all clean and dressed-up, he ended up shitting in his clean clothes!

I watched the rest of this from the window upstairs as by then I wanted to move away, happy and satisfied but not wanting to face the woman. I remember both my grand-parents were very proud of me.

Now when I think back, some basics of life are being bathed, clothed and fed but this woman in my childhood needed more. It left me thinking .. Did her husband leave her? Did she have a home? Where would her next meal come from?

As I said, this incident remained with me for long afterwards (like forever!) as it was done on my own, without motive, totally spontaneously. This profound feeling was prompted by her pain, and totally selfless. All I knew that I had made this woman’s day, not expecting anything back in return.

Children are instinctively kind and compassionate, this does not need to be taught to them, they only need timely encouragement. Certainly parents and grand-parents lend their own influence initially, my grandmother was so constructive and supportive that I not only learnt a lot from that episode but we all felt so good after that.

Feminine forces

Many attributes desirable in a woman are represented by Hindu female deities. They are worshipped as the embodiment of specific capabilities and powers.

For instance, Saraswati represents intelligence, consciousness, cosmic knowledge, creativity, education, enlightenment, music, the arts, and power. Hindus worship her not only for "secular knowledge", but for "divine knowledge" essential to the achievement of ‘Moksha’ (Freedom or Salvation), their ultimate spiritual goal.

Lakshmi is the Goddess of wealth, prosperity (both material and spiritual), light, wisdom, fortune, fertility, generosity and courage and the embodiment of beauty, grace and charm. She is believed to protect her devotees from all kinds of misery and money-related sorrows.

Durga, an embodiment of creative feminine force (Shakti), manifests fearlessness and patience.

This collection of brass statuettes are not from a mandir or puja room but have been part of this household for more than fifty years. They belonged to my mother-in-law M, a truly empowered woman of great determination, taste as well as beauty.

Women need to tap their own abilities and powers -- discovering the true goddess spirit within. Whether they have access to these goddesses or not they should take inspiration from them to elevate their self-esteem and empower personal growth and spirituality.

M more or less educated herself, got a job (in Bombay), participated in the Freedom Movement in a small way, married outside her community (at a time when such inter-religion marriages were taboo), took on the role of a Consular Officer / Ambassador’s wife, and then gamely fought through her husband’s terminal illness and then finally her own.

IS remembers that in the difficult times when his father’s condition deteriorated, his mother’s belief through these deities would have been a help in bolstering her strength and composure.

Today is my mother-in-law’s 91^st birth anniversary.

Rangoli

Rows of Petunias in vibrant spring colours adorn the traffic round-abouts (inter-changes) and parks of Dubai city, in patterns resembling Rangolis.

They look wonderfully attractive and fresh, and give everyone a feeling of being welcome.

These 'pettus' (as the girls have nicknamed them) will last only for a few more weeks, before the weather turns warm again.

Walk On......

I love walking. Not just walk around but go for long walks in forests, on mountain trails or on beaches, or anywhere where there is nature …. I remember some nature walks when in school and a few great walks when on family holidays in the mountains or at beach resorts. When you walk you get to see more …. as opposed to driving … so this what we did when we went to new places, especially when travelling abroad. One trip to Paris with IS, I had never walked so much in my life ….. we explored quite a bit of the city on foot.

I love nature and the outdoors …. walking gives the pleasure of both. Weather-permitting I’d much rather be outdoors than in, and love seeing greenery, the birds (the feathered variety, not the other kind that IS prefers!).

Back home in India I did not walk much, in fact hardly at all. In Chennai we were lucky to have our homes within a 5-min. walk from the beach, but the lack of cleanliness was a put-off, and worse, the sight of villagers squatting along the water-line to relieve themselves would totally take the fun out of it.

Then in Dubai for 3 years our apartment was again very close to the sea, so I started regular walks along the beach … no cleanliness issue here so usually barefoot, feeling the sand and sometimes the water. Mostly in the evening so one could stop, sit and gaze at the sea and the setting sun. And the fun of seeing people of all ages enjoying themselves in the water.

Just over a year ago we moved house to the Lakes area of Dubai, a residential colony with row housing surrounding some man-made 'lakes'. The streets along the water-bodies are lined with date-palms with a lot of green around. A paved walking path runs all along the streets. This ready-made track was very tempting …. I could not keep myself away from it long. So after settling into the house, in a couple of months I started setting out on my evening walks again.

After some days of walking … IS joked that I was not doing much exercise, walking more for leisure and just to enjoy the scenery …. I would retort that he was not even doing that.

A few years ago one suddenly woke up to the need to address health issues ... like stiff joints, lack of muscle tone, lethargy, weight gain; and the benefits of exercise. Both IS and I tried different exercise regimes. IS joined a gym for short spells, sprinkled with an occasional swim, all of which he soon gave up. I joined yoga classes at my sister-in-law’s home but when this stopped it was tough to continue alone and soon dwindled out. Keeping up any exercise schedule is tough.

Now IS and I walk regularly almost every evening. Seeing the serious, professional-looking joggers who pass by prompted us to increase our pace, so we started inter-spacing our walking with short jogs. It has now become our daily fix … by the end of the walk which lasts about 35 mins. ... about 3 kms … with the warm, very humid weather in Dubai we end up soaking wet with perspiration, and can feel each pore open … and sweating!

IS says his English teacher at school had to regularly correct them in class with a stern 'horses sweat, humans PERSPIRE!'

Getting back home is a real relief, where would we be without air-conditioning?! And water … there’s really nothing like water, period. More so on a very hot day. And in Dubai it can go up to 48 Deg. C, so we've been there!

Then we read that jogging can severely strain our feet and knee joints, and that jogging does not help lose weight anyway! Well, we continue our walks and jogging, and promise to tread carefully!

As long as my legs have the strength and I have no major aches and pains I will continue to walk and run!!!!

No Fool’s Day: a birth date to remember

Today is IS’s father Sulaiman’s 101^st birth anniversary (April Fool’s Day!). Since I’d never met him I asked IS to write a piece for me, which is below.

Considering he passed on over 42 years ago (when I was 15), memories are few and far between … more so since I was in boarding school from 13 so we were not even together much of the last 2½ years. The last year he was in any case mostly in hospitals with cancer. Anyway, I’ll try and steer clear of biographic details and keep this tight, here goes.

My Baba. At least until Vietnam, where we heard of a gentleman named Mr. Hui! Both of us were so tickled by the sound of the name that we promptly re-named each other ‘Buibui’.

His love for the ‘hots’ in life was legendary … while much was whispered about the loves in his life (before he met my mother, I hope!), his penchant for taking on the hottest food / chilies were legion, I’d bet he could have set many World Records; Tabasco sauce on the dining table was more normal than a salt cellar.

Watching him tackle a fried egg on toast at the breakfast table was a life-changing experience … carefully arranged sunny side up (with soft yoke), topped with slices of the most fiery chili peppers available. First thing in the morning you’d be treated to the sight of his face getting redder and redder, his grin getting wider, tears streaming from his eyes, and sweat from his scalp! Priceless. Driving hard with knife and fork for his next mouthful. A final sweep with a piece of toast, mopping up the spillage, yolk/chili from the plate.

A really handsome man. Ambassador of India. Full of life and the good things. Work hard, play hard. Great values. His lovely circle of strongly loyal friends (who knew him as Suli). His wonderful sense of humour. His laugh. Amazingly contagious. At full throttle it would work up into a series of wheezes so hilarious that to hear him would be to start laughing yourself even if for no other reason. With him jokes sounded so much funnier …

His whistle. He had a couple of favourite tunes, the one I recall most being one I managed to put a name to just last week through an web search; Terry's Theme from Limelight, one of the top tunes of the 50s. Turned out to be titled ‘Eternally’, composed by Charlie Chaplin, with first line of the song: "I'll be loving you eternally ..." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pk0mdW-j9VQ. As someone said, Music is a connection to people who’ve gone ....

He wrote a lot, mostly regular long-hand, but there are notebooks filled with lines of symbols looking like Greek! Seriously, like Ø, Ω. As soon as I get a chance I intend sitting down and going through them, and hopefully break his code!

His famous long-standing brush with babudom and the peculiar politicians in charge of External Affairs in Delhi who he was answerable to … and eventually forced to bow to, resulting not only in his own sad, funny (unfinished) musings titled “The Straight Saits in Dire Straits”, but I feel sure, also in his illness and untimely death at 58. Fought and laughed through all his pain, all the way till the end.

They truly don't make many like that anymore. He must be out there somewhere, I really hope I can meet him again and get to know him better in the next phase.